Movie time

I haven't been to the movies in forever and it’s raining, so I'm going to round up a few friends and see a flick. What's that about? Rain equals terrible drivers and people flocking to the movies? If I owned a theater, I'd look at a weather forecast and jack the prices up the day before and the day after it’s supposed to rain...and don't worry, we'll get to the cost in a minute. So who hasn't seen what yet? Fun game! Almost as fun as driving next to an Asian woman in the rain going to the same theater with her left turn signal on the entire way.  After that rousing game, our movie is picked, but the time isn't. Awesome! The movie is playing at great times: 5:15pm and 12:35am. Can the times of movies suck anymore?


We arrive at the theater (while that Asian woman is still trying to park) and confirm the correct (and sucky) time is on the board. It's there; let's get the tickets and get good seats. Call me crazy, but I think $10+ is insane for a movie that can completely suck. If I have to pay that much, I should be able to leave at any point of the movie and get a proportional refund. Now that I'm getting over the cost, we have to find the right theater (which, after spending over $10, I think I'm entitled to someone named Jeeves escorting me to my seat with my jacket over their arm and a moist towelette for me).


Now you have to decide which group you're going to be in. You can either get some snacks or save the seats. Let's be the one to get the food right now. Me and the other person/people with money hop on the end of a line that appears to be moving. Emphasis on the "appears" because this line, after an eternity, just has not moved (how the hell is that Asian woman in front of me?!).  Now that I have a full beard and made it to the front, I blurt out my order that I kept reciting to myself while waiting.Of course I have to break it down item by item with several seconds between words for Destynee to understand. For an extra 50 cents, I can have the large coke? Sure, I’ll take that so I can quench the thirst of the entire theater and Rhode Island. Only have the large, $6 bottles of water? I guess I have no choice then, right? (scam)

Let’s rewind and be part of the group that attempts to save the seats. We’ve walked that long, narrow hallway and made the “turn and stare”. You know, when you first see all of the seats and the realization sets in that there aren’t enough seats together for the number of people in your party. You feel uncomfortable trying to map out a game plan in front of everyone, who is undoubtedly laughing on the inside because you look like a deer in headlights. Just at the right time, you spot more than enough seats in a particular area and make your way there. Are those people in the other aisle walking toward the same seats? I’m going to walk quicker and pretend to not see them while I go in for the kill. Seats acquired! Now the fun begins: defending those seats. You sit spread out in a strategic way as to give newcomers the deer in headlights look, hoping they don’t see your seats. As people approach, you accidently make eye contact and have to prepare to defend your territory. Right as they start to enter the aisle for those seats, you give the semi-apologetic “I’m saving these seats” as you wave your hand over the seat next to you. They aren’t happy, but you did your job and feel good. Your friends are on the bottom and just did the turn and stare, so you save them and wave them over.

Your friends get to the seats (why did they get such large beverages?) and you do the shuffle for the right seating arrangement. Why the hell is the floor so sticky? Did someone dump their keg of soda on the floor and lick it up? Lights dim. Time for that green screen and thirty previews. I love the dead silence after a terrible preview because it just leaves everyone confused and feeling like they could easily make their own movie. The feature finally starts. Not sure if I’m the only one who can never get comfortable, so I apologize to whomever has had the unfortunate seat behind me. (Note that I am not a seat kicker, and those people that do kick the seat in front of you, please leave your name and address below, thanks)

Movie ended and I look at the time. How is it that the time is never what I expect it to be (always later)? I know there are previews and whatnot and I have nowhere to go, but it’s the principle. Oh, the garbage is overflowing by the exit? Nice. We make our way to the lobby, which is brighter than a solar flare, and discuss some of the movie while waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom. We get in the car and approach the street. Sure enough, that Asian woman is in the right lane making a left turn and I’m stuck there, listening to my friends discussing the movie as I try to remember those specific parts. $10, a bladder problem, and not remembering/understanding key parts of the movie…well worth it.