Restless Restroom

This post might be pretty crappy. Public restrooms are a dynamic element to society. Certain universal rules apply once you enter that doorframe, yet many people either don’t care, don’t know them, or don’t know them well enough. Let’s talk about some of the things that drive us public restroom law-abiding citizens b a n a n a s. (yes, I did sing the Gwen Stefani song as I wrote that)

It’s natural to do a quick scan when you first enter the restroom. You of course hope no one else is in there. I hate to have to enter that awkward “hey, how’s it goin” exchange. I’m not going to ignore the person, that’s just rude. It wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for those over-pleasantry people. You know, those who actually give you a real response in passing. If I say “how’s it goin” as I’m passing, I don’t actually care how it’s going. Just give me the standard “good” and keep walking, lets keep it simple and quick for everyone, we’re all busy. It’s frustrating when the other person stops walking to talk to me when I’m actually trying to get somewhere. If I indeed wanted to talk to you at that specific time, I would have come over to you. The bathroom is not a place for a conversation! I want to get in and get out as quickly as possible, it’s not twenty questions time.

You’ve done your scan, and now you are going to do your business. It’s your business; I will not get into specifics of it. As you are attending to that business, you hear a clicking sound. You know you’ve heard that clicking sound before…yep, someone is texting. Really? Come on, don’t make it so obvious. Phones in the bathroom are a faux pas, and if you must bring them in, keep things quiet! Wish I had a chance to make that point to a coworker I saw who once walked into the stall while on the phone and continued his conversation…still in the stall!

Speaking of stalls, please, PLEASE leave the middle one open! If stall 1 is occupied, you use stall 3, not stall 2. You only use stall 2 if stall 3 is also occupied. That’s a rule. Definitely is written somewhere, and if you haven’t read it before, I’ll get the source for you, just keep checking back. ;) Even if 1 and 3 are occupied, you should strongly consider coming back in a few minutes.

Hand wash time. Those automatic faucets can be annoying. They don’t allow you to choose your water temperature, and often go off randomly. My hands haven’t moved, why did the water stop? Ever use those sinks where you have to keep pushing the little hot and cold nubs down every few seconds? Yeah, I’d like to meet the jerkoff that invented those. I’d also like to smack the designers of super short faucets. Why are my hands hitting the back of the sink? There is so much open area in the sink, yet I have to contort my hands and wrists to get water on them because the faucet is shooting a stream of water three-quarters of an inch from the porcelain.

Lastly, but certainly not least, drying time. Not sure what the big deal is about putting a bunch of paper towels on a table with a garbage pail next to it. We have automatic dryers that are strong enough to power Rhode Island that make that little dent in your skin because of the thrust. Those are cool and effective, but way too loud. I guess those can be good because they would prove that you washed your hands since everyone this side of the Mississippi can hear them. Speaking of proof, ever see someone walk out without washing his or her hands? Even if you aren’t going to use soap, pretend you are washing them, don’t just walk right out. Those people must absolutely hate the paper towel dispensers where you have to spin that little wheel on the side that always seems to not give adequate towels. Am I the only one who doesn’t touch the knob on the dispensers that require you to push down to make the paper towels come out? I use the side of my arm because it makes me feel that the germs somehow won’t get on me that way.

Can restaurants start putting garbage pails closer to the door? I want to dry my hands with a paper towel and use that towel to grab the door handle. I hate having to lean back and toss the towel in the garbage. I miss every once in a while and then I’m stuck in that dilemma. I achieved my goal of opening the door without touching the handle, I’m free to go, but I technically littered. That towel touched the ground and has more germs than before. If I go back and pick it up, I really should wash my hands again…but if no one saw it, who said it was me…right?

The grocery store

"Doesn't that suck?" is usually one of the first things I think of when I drive into a grocery store parking lot. Why? Because there always seems to be a stray shopping cart making a fast-break toward an innocent parked car. To prevent that from being my car, I try to park rather far away from other cars. Sure, sometimes that may be way on the other end of the lot, but whatever, if I can have that piece of mind while I'm walking six miles through the lot to the store, then so be it. Anyway, right before I walk into the store, I have a huge decision to make: take a cart or grab a basket inside. No matter what decision I make, I am wrong. When I take a cart, I end up with 3 items and it's more of a nuisance than anything, but when I opt for a basket, I end up carrying watermelons wishing I had a cart.

So, what is the usual grocery store visit like once I'm inside? Well, I'd let you know if I could get past the old lady standing in the middle of the entrance looking around and ever so slowly making her way to the free pistachios. By the time I juke around her, it's on to the produce! Do those little plastic bags really cost that much money to the point that there can't be a stand of them every ten feet? I've already picked up the apples I want, yet I have to walk all the way over to where the collard greens are to get a bag. Of course as I'm ripping the bag off the roll, the lettuce I'm standing next to must get a misting...as well as my shirt. And who thought it was a good idea to have a soundbite of a guy saying "I'm singing in the rain" before that mist starts? That doesn't really alert me too much. It instead makes me laugh for a moment, then get pissed when my hand is getting misted. Maybe something along the lines of "get the hell away from here, we will be watering the vegetables from those little spigots above. BACK UP!". That would get my attention...

Ok, I'd like a few Kaiser rolls...but where did the tongs go that should be on the end of this phone cord looking thingie? Great, it broke off and the next closest one is two feet over and out of phone cord thingie reach. Alright, I'll just reach in and take one, no one is around...except the old woman still throwing her pistachio shells on the floor. "You know, you're supposed to use the tongs". Thanks granny, and just because you are old doesn't give you the right to smell bad. What's with that? Old people smell? I mean, come on, you have to realize that the smell that follows you around all over the place...well...is you!

I want some chicken. Boneless chicken breast. I pick up a package that looks fine and of course my hand is soaked in chicken disgustingness. Really guys? Can't package this any better? Just that yellow styrofoam thing and one layer of plastic wrap? If that's the case, I think I should be entitled to some readily available hand wipes. "Hmm, $7.39? Do I need that much? This other package right next to it is $7.12." You know how many times I've actually seen people do this? It's amazing, do you actually believe that there is a material, noticeable difference between the two? There isn't.

Checkout time. 3pm on a Sunday, seems like a good time to only have three registers open out of fifteen. Picked the one that looks like it has potential to move (aka, the lane with the fewest screaming kids). Finally my turn. Do I have a super-de-duper rewards awesome card? No, I don't, and I don't want one. Please don't start with the benefits of it and how it will save me from eternal damnation. Just scan and bag, and while you are doing that, I'll try to prevent the person behind me from being any farther up my ass as they attempt to get their precious groceries onto the belt. Yes, you shoving all your crap on the belt will make the teenage cashier earning minimum wage work faster. Anyway, sweet, order has been rung up...and as per usual, seems higher than I calculated myself. But I'm not going to stand there questioning every item. People that do that need a pretty good smack. Nothing should really surprise you when you see the items come across the screen. Pay attention when you put said item(s) in the cart and if you have a problem, go to customer service. Speaking of paying, debit or credit? Whichever will get me out of here quicker...and no cash back...unless it's free. Thanks for the receipt, but do I need this second receipt that's six feet long with all these coupons for items that you couldn't pay me to take?

Cart packed up, ready to get out of there. Of course there have to be eighteen children by those cheap toy dispensers with mommy dearest breaking the cashier's balls about her RC Cola costing an extra penny than the sign supposedly said. Corral your children lady. Made it outside, and now the difficult decision, wheel everything to the car and be forced to bring the cart back, or carry the bags. Hmm, doesn't seem like many bags, I'll just carry them. I get a slow swagger going with all nine bags in my hand (looked like less before...) and what's awaiting me at my car? A cart, right against the newly painted rear fender.