The grocery store

"Doesn't that suck?" is usually one of the first things I think of when I drive into a grocery store parking lot. Why? Because there always seems to be a stray shopping cart making a fast-break toward an innocent parked car. To prevent that from being my car, I try to park rather far away from other cars. Sure, sometimes that may be way on the other end of the lot, but whatever, if I can have that piece of mind while I'm walking six miles through the lot to the store, then so be it. Anyway, right before I walk into the store, I have a huge decision to make: take a cart or grab a basket inside. No matter what decision I make, I am wrong. When I take a cart, I end up with 3 items and it's more of a nuisance than anything, but when I opt for a basket, I end up carrying watermelons wishing I had a cart.

So, what is the usual grocery store visit like once I'm inside? Well, I'd let you know if I could get past the old lady standing in the middle of the entrance looking around and ever so slowly making her way to the free pistachios. By the time I juke around her, it's on to the produce! Do those little plastic bags really cost that much money to the point that there can't be a stand of them every ten feet? I've already picked up the apples I want, yet I have to walk all the way over to where the collard greens are to get a bag. Of course as I'm ripping the bag off the roll, the lettuce I'm standing next to must get a misting...as well as my shirt. And who thought it was a good idea to have a soundbite of a guy saying "I'm singing in the rain" before that mist starts? That doesn't really alert me too much. It instead makes me laugh for a moment, then get pissed when my hand is getting misted. Maybe something along the lines of "get the hell away from here, we will be watering the vegetables from those little spigots above. BACK UP!". That would get my attention...

Ok, I'd like a few Kaiser rolls...but where did the tongs go that should be on the end of this phone cord looking thingie? Great, it broke off and the next closest one is two feet over and out of phone cord thingie reach. Alright, I'll just reach in and take one, no one is around...except the old woman still throwing her pistachio shells on the floor. "You know, you're supposed to use the tongs". Thanks granny, and just because you are old doesn't give you the right to smell bad. What's with that? Old people smell? I mean, come on, you have to realize that the smell that follows you around all over the place...well...is you!

I want some chicken. Boneless chicken breast. I pick up a package that looks fine and of course my hand is soaked in chicken disgustingness. Really guys? Can't package this any better? Just that yellow styrofoam thing and one layer of plastic wrap? If that's the case, I think I should be entitled to some readily available hand wipes. "Hmm, $7.39? Do I need that much? This other package right next to it is $7.12." You know how many times I've actually seen people do this? It's amazing, do you actually believe that there is a material, noticeable difference between the two? There isn't.

Checkout time. 3pm on a Sunday, seems like a good time to only have three registers open out of fifteen. Picked the one that looks like it has potential to move (aka, the lane with the fewest screaming kids). Finally my turn. Do I have a super-de-duper rewards awesome card? No, I don't, and I don't want one. Please don't start with the benefits of it and how it will save me from eternal damnation. Just scan and bag, and while you are doing that, I'll try to prevent the person behind me from being any farther up my ass as they attempt to get their precious groceries onto the belt. Yes, you shoving all your crap on the belt will make the teenage cashier earning minimum wage work faster. Anyway, sweet, order has been rung up...and as per usual, seems higher than I calculated myself. But I'm not going to stand there questioning every item. People that do that need a pretty good smack. Nothing should really surprise you when you see the items come across the screen. Pay attention when you put said item(s) in the cart and if you have a problem, go to customer service. Speaking of paying, debit or credit? Whichever will get me out of here quicker...and no cash back...unless it's free. Thanks for the receipt, but do I need this second receipt that's six feet long with all these coupons for items that you couldn't pay me to take?

Cart packed up, ready to get out of there. Of course there have to be eighteen children by those cheap toy dispensers with mommy dearest breaking the cashier's balls about her RC Cola costing an extra penny than the sign supposedly said. Corral your children lady. Made it outside, and now the difficult decision, wheel everything to the car and be forced to bring the cart back, or carry the bags. Hmm, doesn't seem like many bags, I'll just carry them. I get a slow swagger going with all nine bags in my hand (looked like less before...) and what's awaiting me at my car? A cart, right against the newly painted rear fender.